I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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