look no pants
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
