Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We don't watch enough power rangers
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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