As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
