Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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