Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
