Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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