just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
