Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
