fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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