When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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