I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
