Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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