During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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