i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i think i have herpe
just one?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You pole danced in your parka.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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