I must be too annoying 4 u.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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