fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
