i barfeds in our rink
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
