I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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