I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
