You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
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