textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
