I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
