so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
