dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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