we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
