I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My liver just had a heart attack.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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