I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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