Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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