watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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