Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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