im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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