stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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