All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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