We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
