I hate your face
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
When are your genitals available?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
