I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
