I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
