i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
