i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
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