you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
