just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
