I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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