I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
