u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
