I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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