Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
