what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
