i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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