Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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