I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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